A Conversation with Anxiety

It is currently 4:15 am and I have been up for roughly 2 straight hours thanks to my clingy-ass friend Anxiety. I had only been sleeping for about 3 hours when the wind picked up, blew in through my open window and slammed our bedroom door shut. Sure, that would wake most people up, but "normal" people would also fall right back asleep after a few minutes. Not me, not this anxiety cucumber. This is what happens when Anxiety takes over your brain:

(Thoughts in italics are Anxiety. Thoughts in regular font is my common sense trying desperately to break through. These are ACTUAL thoughts racing through my head when I should be sleeping.)

*door slams shut*
-Shit what was that!? We're being robbed!
-No dummy it was the wind. Remember you saw we were expecting high winds today. Looks like they've arrived.
-Oh right. Did it wake up G? Is he crying terrified in his room??
-Mmm….sounds quiet. He sleeps like the dead. I'm sure he's fine.
*a bang from outside*
-Another crash! Did something fall off the walls!?
-No. It was outside probably in that dude'a backyard.
-Okay. We really need to get some sleep.
-Yeah we do. Good night.
…..
-I think I hear somebody's smoke detector going off!
-No you don't.
-Yes I do.
-No you don't. Go to sleep.
-Ok yep that is most definitely a smoke alarm. Is it our building?! Is the fire department here again? Fuck what do I do!?
-Calm down, for one. It doesn't really sound like a smoke detector. It could be somebody's alarm clock and they're not home to turn it off…?
-No that is smoke detector! I don't smell smoke though. Or hear sirens. Although they turn sirens off in a neighborhood. It sounds so close. Might even be our building. Possibly the one next to us. Why won't it go off?? Ok, I have to get up and check. I'll feel better.
-Fine.
*wanders around apartment to back deck. Looks for flames or fire trucks or anything amiss. Nothing.*
-Well…??
-Maybe it wasn't a fire after all. But it's super annoying. I'm going to shut the window so we can sleep.
-Good idea.
…..
-What if it WAS a fire!?
-Oh god here we go….
-No I'm serious! We have to think about these things! I'd grab my emergency binder. Oh and the custody notebook! They're right next to each other in the closet. Oh man, I'm not wearing clothes so I'd have to throw something on really quick. Ok so get dressed, grab the notebooks. Wrap G up in his blankets to keep warm, throw the notebooks in my purse because that's where my car keys are and we'd definitely need a car, and we'd get out. That can all be done really quickly! But poor G wouldn't even have shoes! He can't go to school without shoes! I'd have to call the principal and talk to her. When would he be ready to go back? The next day? The next week? But it'd be something we'd just deal with. At least I know we can get out relatively quick.
-Ok good. See? You've got a plan. Bedtime!
-But what if we can't get out the front door and down the stairs!?
-Oh for fucks sake.
-We'd have to jump off the deck. It's the only logical way because the windows are too high! Corey would have to go first, then I'd throw G to him, then I'd make my way down. That damn tree would cause problems. Maybe it'd be helpful actually? G would be so scared. I wonder if he would jump on his own, or if I would have to throw him? Am I strong enough?
-Let's hope we never have to find out. You've got your plan, can we please go to sleep now!?
-OH MY GOD WHAT ABOUT HISS!?!?! I forgot all about him! I couldn't leave him in there to burn! Ok so Corey would have to carry G, I'd have to grab my purse and the cat. How the hell am I going to jump off the deck with a 20 pound cat? And he's not gonna let me hold him all night while we wait for the fire to be put out. Plus G will want to be held too I'm sure. So do I just let the cat go and pray he comes back home when the chaos is over???
-You are INSANE! Can you please calm the fuck down!?!? You realize NONE of this has happened right?! There's not even a fire, Brittani!
-I'm sorry. I don't know why I'm like this. We're gonna be so tired tomorrow. The alarm is going off in 2 hours! We only got, what, like 3 hours of sleep? Fuck that's going to be a rough Monday.
-I KNOW.
-Ok I will try to sleep now.
-Praise Jesus.
*start to dose off. Boyfriend begins snoring in earnest.*
-I can't sleep under these circumstances! I'm going to the couch.
-Fine, but NO murder shows.
-I'm not even going to turn on the TV. I need sleep.
-Smart girl.
*get situated on the couch, just about to fall asleep*
-Oh my god! I have to register for classes today!!!
-Well we are never going to sleep now are we?
-Ahahaha nooooppppeee.

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Writing Blues

Ok so clearly I didn’t do very well with that 30 day writing challenge. My 4 day trip to North Carolina, then coming home with a horrible cold, and Daylight Savings Time ending just screwed with me hard and I couldn’t catch up. I’m still struggling to complete  all the things that I need to during the day, and haven’t been able to drag myself out of bed early enough in the morning to write or do yoga…or pretty much anything. Winter and I don’t get along, and I am obviously feeling the affects of the perpetual darkness. I need to research Hyyge and see if that will help me. But only if it includes a housecleaner….

So the one good thing that came out of that writing challenge was that it got my fire relit for writing. If too many days have gone by without me touching a keyboard or pen, I start to crave it much like I do with yoga. That was the main reason I started it, so mission accomplished I suppose! I want to continue to write, but without the prompts. I just need to find a direction for this blog…it feels kinda scattered and all over the place right now. Kinda like my life. I guess it could be a “lifestyle” blog for the disastrous people. The people who feel too much, and work too much at jobs that don’t fulfill them. People whose anxiety is crushing 24/7 and prevents them from chasing their dreams. The people who put everybody before themselves until they forget who they even are anymore. The people who just can’t GET. IT. TOGETHER. whatever the fuck that means.

I’m going to officially stop the 30 Day Writing Prompt project, 5 days short of completion yet 11 days late. The last few prompts were actually pretty good, but I just can’t think that in depth currently. I might write about them at a later date, but for now I will try to come up with my own writing points. Thanks for cheering me on, and reading all the nonsense. My ride isn’t over yet, I hope you stick around!

Xoxo,

Bee

Day 25

If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat?

First of all, why do I have to pick just ONE person!?! I did study history….I have a lot of idols to chose from.
And second of all, regardless of what we eat, you know damn well it will be gluten and dairy free so I don’t have to worry about getting sick. Although I will probably just keep that to myself so my historical dinner guest doesn’t think I’m crazy. They probably won’t even know what gluten is.

So I’ve spent days thinking about this, and if I have to narrow it down to just one person I think I’d pick Susan B. Anthony. I’d love to hear tales of how she bucked tradition, challenged how people viewed women, and refused to back down from what she believed in. Being an outspoken women is scary in today’s world, so I can’t imagine how it would have been in the Victorian era. Women were supposed to be quiet, proper and practically unseen, and yet Susan was out on the streets leading a revolution and getting arrested! The shock! I would love for her to see where her hard work and dedication got our society today, and discuss how far we still have to go. I’m sure she is an eloquent speaker and probably a hilarious conversationalist. I’d be curious about the foods most popular during her lifetime and would try to re-create them in ways I could eat. Then I’d serve her some popular food of current times and see what she thinks. Did they eat avocado back then? What about kale and quinoa??

I really wish this could happen. Think of how fun it would be!!

Day 24

Describe your family dynamic of your childhood verses your family dynamic now.

Hmmm….well now this is interesting. The four of us have always been very close, but I feel that we are closer now that my brother and I are adults, out of the house, and have children of our own. We can look back now, as parents ourselves, and see “oh yeah that’s why Mom & Dad did/said that.” A lot of things that irritated me or didn’t make sense as a child now absolutely make sense as a parent. I have told my parents many times in the past 6 years, I understand everything now. I get it. 

I think on the opposite side of that, my parents can now look at us as adults (and for the most part fairly successful adults) and realize that the hard work is done, they can step back and allow us to make our own decisions. Obviously, they are always there for guidance and advice if needed, but it’s usually us coming to them, instead of them telling us what should be done. They recognize us for our own people, who do things in vastly different ways. While that sometimes irritates the shit out of them, or confuses them, my parents have perfected the art of sitting back and watching us figure out life for ourselves.

I like the dynamic my family has now. I feel comfortable in being my true self around them, instead of like I have to be squeezed into a mold of what a daughter should be. I swear ( a lot), I have tattoos (8), and piercings and I drink a touch. While I know my father wishes I wouldn’t do or have any of that, he has accepted that I am a grown ass woman (most of the time) with a life & family of my own. I own who I am, and the values instilled in me from my family during childhood. My brother and I will always respect, admire and love our parents, but their role is now more of the backseat driver rather than the chauffeur of our lives. The don’t drive us where they want us to go, but rather gently suggest our next turn while we act as the chauffeurs to our children. I’m not sure I’m explaining that in a way that makes sense to anyone other than me. But basically….I think my brother and I have more common ground with our parents now, therefore a more peaceful and understanding relationship. They know that we had to do some dumb  shit to get to the successful places we are now, and we know that they had to be hard on us at times to prevent us from being delinquents. The view of your childhood changes drastically when you become a parent. Things make so much more sense to you, and the respect for your parents increases a hundredfold (if you are lucky enough to have great parents like I am….I imagine a bad childhood would invoke different feelings upon reaching parenthood).

The thing is: I love my family. Then and now. I will always strive to make my daddy proud, and Mama will always know whats on my mind before I even have to say it. My brother and I will pick and poke and tease each other until someone gets pissed. And then we’ll hug and make up. Somethings time can never change. And I’m okay with that.

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A grainy, blurry image of a grainy, blurry time. Graduation night May 4, 2012

Day 23

Day 23

List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them.

Does sleeping count as a hobby???

1.) Knitting. I usually only do this in the chilly months, but I love feeling the soft yarn through my fingers and watching the colors blend together in the pattern of my choosing. It’s exciting to watch the piece grow and form into something cozy. I love making stuff for people, because nothing is cozier than wearing a handmade scarf or snuggling under a blanket made with love.

2.) Writing. This is the way I keep my creative juices flowing and my mind somewhat clear. It’s fun to manipulate the words to make the story come to life, and watching other people relate to my words and experiences. I am a horrible verbal communicator, but everything becomes more precise and powerful and organized when I write (or type) it out.

3.) Yoga. Although my practice has definitely fallen to the wayside these past few months, I still consider yoga vital to my survival. Yoga improves not only my physical well-being, but my mental and spiritual well-being too. I have worked through a lot of shit on the mat, and have had some pretty significant epiphanies during a powerful sequence. When I slack off on my practice, my body is the first thing to feel the negative effects, then my soul. My anxiety starts to creep back up, my thoughts are unfocused and my sleep not restful. Yoga is my medicine. (I need to get better at taking it)

4.) Beach combing. I can literally spend all day walking up and down the coast line, searching for offerings from the sea. I always come home from the coast with pockets full of seashell bits, smooth rocks or sea glass. I love the pretty fragments, only pieces of a larger object, but still gorgeous in it’s brokenness. I wonder over the journey this inanimate object has taken, the stories it could tell, and the eons it has been tumbled by the waves. The ocean is a sacred mystery to me, and I love being lost in her stories.

5.) Napping. Hey, being a sleepy girl with a busy life is really hard. So I nap whenever possible and I’m done feeling guilty about it. Adrenal fatigue is no joke. And also I’m part sloth, remember?

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*featured image from kararosenlund.com

Day 22

Day 22

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10? 15?

Oh boy. I hate questions like these because nobody can really plan their life out, right? You think you’re going one way and then life bitch slaps you so hard you spin around and go the complete opposite way. I guarantee you my answers to this question 10 years ago would have NEVER included living in Oregon, having a child, or being a preschool teacher. But that’s where I am now and I wouldn’t change it. I find it really hard to plan anything much less my life. All too often, I get the perfect image or idea in my head of what I’m going to do, how I’m going to do it, and how it’s going to look and then that all comes crashing down and I’m left wondering what went wrong. I have learned to set a few loose long term goals, and do whatever I need to get there, and just *try* to go with the flow of getting there. Holding on to an image, or and idea, of what life is supposed to be can be really damaging to your soul and mental clarity. Life is about the journey and what you learn along the way.

So. In 5 years I see myself married to C, with a little one of our own, and living in our first house with a big ol’ dog. And some chickens. I also want a huge ass garden that will feed us all year long. I will have my master’s degree and be working a job that pays the bills and feeds my soul. Something super nerdy and fun like a museum, historical site, or library. I start school in January (eek) to make that one come to fruition. I will be juggling Little Bee’s football games/practices with my work and family duties, but will spend every Saturday of the fall sitting in freezing cold bleachers watching my dude play football.

Looking 10-15 years into the future gives me anxiety because that’s too big of a picture. And I can’t think about how much older Little Bee will be by then! I need to focus on more short-term goals. I’m well on my way to where I want to be, so I’m just gonna keep my head down and keep on working and ticking those boxes off my list.

Day 21

If you could have one superpower what would it be and what would you do with it first?

I would want the ability to breathe underwater as a superpower. Without being deformed into some half shark/half girl creature. A little webbing of the hands and feet would be okay, but for the most part I’d love to just jump in the water, duck my head underwater and just be.

There’s no particular reason I want this power, other than I love being in the water. It is so soothing to just float and let the water take control of your body. I love feeling weightless and the hush that falls on your years when your head goes under. Everything is so peaceful and quiet under water….I’d love to be able to live in that state for as long as I wanted. Without dying.

I haven’t put a lot of thought into what I’d do with the ability to breathe under water, except escape from this crazy world every now and then. And proudly proclaim that I’m a real life mermaid. I guess I’m selfish and would just use my superhuman powers for myself. Maybe I could prowl around and help aquatic animals in distress. But I’d mostly just hang out in the quiet and observe life under the water until I was ready to go back to the surface.

Most selfish superhero ever.

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duongquocdinh.deviantart.com