I am so tired of the pettiness. The Drone can’t just leave good enough alone…there always has to be SOME sort of drama. I left him 2 1/2 years ago & moved 2,000 miles away 6 months later. We have been to court 4-5 times, plus mediation & have written two parenting plans (well….the courts wrote them for us since mediation was a big fat flop)….and yet that isn’t enough. There has to be at least one new fight a week & it gets worse when he has Baby Bee. Like, just in case I wasn’t miserable enough without my child, here’s some MORE BULLSHIT for you!
I got out of work today & had 36 text messages. THIRTY SIX. All between The Drone & one of his girl toys. Talking about “our” son & how much Baby Bee loves her & she him & how they needed to get together in January when he had him again. He felt the need to send us BOTH pictures of Baby Bee & since we are all 3 iPhone users, it made it a group message. Which he realized, even warned her that I was reading the messages & to “be nice” & then continued to discuss my son with her as if I wasn’t part of the conversation. Granted, nothing bad was said about me or Baby Bee, or anything along the lines of her wanting to be his new mommy (they’re not dating but they have in the past. Or so the story goes.) but it still lit a fire in my gut seeing another “woman” talk about my son like that. All of this was after 4 hours of being cooped up in a classroom of 20 physically aggressive & extremely loud 3-5 year olds. So my patience were kaput & my temper was up. I took a deep breath & very calmly & civilly texted him (NOT in the group message), thanking him for the pictures & video but stating I wasn’t sure why I was a part of their conversation. That was literally it. Not the obscenities & insults that were racing through my exhausted brain, just “don’t know why I was part of this conversation.”
As always, I throw my phone out of arms reach so I don’t respond with what I REALLY want to say & just rage quietly inside. I have gotten so fucking sick of holding back, biting my tongue & being the bigger person. He can say & do whatever the hell he wants to me, but God forbid I say ONE thing he disagrees with or views as critical, and all of a sudden I’m the psycho bitch who’s trying to keep his kid from him. And then it escalates into this huge clusterfuck that just spins in circles going nowhere, doing no good. So I’ve learned when and what to say what needs to be said, & the rest of the time I let him play his little mind games by himself. Yes, he pisses me off quicker than literally any person I have ever met (which is saying a lot because my fuse is shoooort), and most of the time I still fall into his traps. Just for a second until I smell the bullshit & scramble out before I say what’s on my mind.
It’s exhausting. To always be on guard, to always be protecting not only myself but my baby love. To be mentally strong 1,000 percent of the time & to be sharp enough to spot the lies from the truth. Although there is rarely any truth in what he says anymore. And that has taken me a long time to be able to recognize. It’s exhausting to always be fighting. I will continue to fight for what matters, but all this petty bullshit just needs to stop. I don’t fucking care what he does, where he is or who he’s with UNLESS my child is with him. But of course that’s when he refuses to give up info, even when the court order says to. I don’t care how his numerous relationships are going, or how bad his injury is or how awesome his car looks/runs/sounds now (yes, I get updates on all of this shit still. Even when i don’t respond or flat out say I don’t care, he still tries to drag me back in). I want nothing to do with him unless it directly relates to Baby Bee….how he’s doing, new developments, what he’s eating now NOT how great he gets along with the new Flavor of the Month & her kids. You can bet your sweet ass it’d be WWIII if I had ever mentioned to him how much Baby Bee adored the guy I was seeing & how excited he got when we’d go over there. And I didn’t ever mention it because 1.) It’s really not any of his business & 2.)That’s just not something that nice people do. (and I’m NICE goddammit!) As much as I wish he’d disappear, I’m not in to intentionally hurting him. About the only thing I still believe in from my days as a good Lutheran girl is the whole “Do Unto Others” thing. I don’t want to know about his dating life so I won’t tell him about mine. Not that there’s really much to tell, but he doesn’t need to know that either. I just wish he’d grasp that whole concept.
I have never been able to understand why people, both women & men, feel the need to use their children against the other. It is not that poor baby’s fault we were idiots & couldn’t get our shit together. It is not Baby Bee’s fault his parents hate each others guts & can’t go more than an hour without blowing up at each other. So why subject him to all the bullshit? Oh right, because it hurts me.
And that’s the most important thing, right? Hurting me? If I’m down, then he’s King of the Hive. He’s won, he’s the Big Man on Campus. WRONG.
All of his shit will come back to sting him in the balls. And I will fly away, laughing quietly to myself about how fucking awesome Karma is.