Isn’t it funny how you can count down the hours until bedtime, but once the little brat…I mean baby boy….falls asleep you just stand there, arms empty, eye twitching, wondering “now what?”
I can pee alone? I can finally eat a meal? I can actually clean up the war zone we’ve been living in?
And then…you do none of those things. You sit down with a
glass bottle of wine and binge on Sons of Anarchy episodes on Netflix. Then decide at 10pm it’s a good idea to paint your nails, which means you have to stay up super late to make sure you don’t stamp them with sheet-prints.
Or is this just me?
It has been snowing for 3 days. THREE. In this particular part of the Northwest, that’s pretty rare. I’ve been miserable. I hate winter. I hate snow. I hate anything that makes me cold & the roads terrible. Unfortunately, Baby Bee LOVES the snow. We also have no snow gear (I didn’t think I’d need it here!!!) so my poor love has been locked up for 32 hours with his grumpy mom & schizo, obese cat. Needless to say…that equation doesn’t make for a happy toddler. And when the toddler ain’t happy, NOBODYS happy. I’m pretty sure I had to repeat everything I said to him at least four times. And guys, I’m not exaggerating. And he’s also in this whole “defiance” stage where he refuses to listen to me, or even acknowledge that I’m talking to him. IF he makes eye contact, he’ll do the opposite of what I’m telling/asking him to do. And then laugh. Evilly. Which instantly zaps any self control and/or patience I may have pretended to have. I feel like we did NOTHING today but butt heads. It’s an awful feeling. Especially because I KNOW he was just bored and restless. And tired of mama always being on his ass. But holy Christ kid, do what I say the FIRST time and I won’t have to be such a nag!! But I’m pretty sure that realization won’t come until…adulthood? Teenaged years if I’m lucky.
But then I put him to bed, and looked at his beautiful lashes on his chunky cheeks and his sleepy half-smile and I forgot all my frustrations. The relief was still there, but I wasn’t angry or
edgy anymore. I quietly promised him we’d do better tomorrow and then laid there listening to his breathing. Man, this boy gets to me. In every way possible. Then I got on Facebook and saw that a great blog/page I follow, Birth Without Fear, posted this gem
and I thought…”yeah, it TOTALLY is!” I’d much rather be snowed up with a hyper, testy 2 year old than have him 2,000 miles away. It’s frustrating I get all his “bad” days and The Drone gets nothing but the good days, but whatevs. One day, if I do this motherhood thing right, my son will know that he can come to me with anything and I will always be there for him. Even if he forces me outside into the snow.
It’s one in the afternoon, I haven’t showered or even put on pants yet, my child is running around in a diaper watching Disney movies on Netflix & I ate chocolate frozen yogurt & 2 cups of coffee for breakfast.Ya know…one of THOSE days.
I feel guilty that he’s been in front of the TV all morning, but I comfort myself knowing this is a very rare occasion & it’s for a good cause (I spent the morning sending resumes to potential new employers) & that it was me and not him who ate chocolate for breakfast. I won’t go to mommy-jail today. If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m having an off day. I woke up feeling emotionally-heavy…like the world’s pain had settled onto my shoulder’s during the night. It’s been awhile since I have felt like this, so I’ve forgotten how to deal with it. So I’m holed up, pantsless, in C’s apartment binging on Netflix & trying to breathe through the elephant standing on my chest. I’ve been partially productive today by sending in several resumes and making sure Baby Bee has eaten balanced meals (as balanced as his picky highness will allow anyway). It’s the small things that count, right?
My sweet boy is so sensitive to his mama’s moods. He spent 10 minutes this morning, covering me with slobbery kisses & his blanket asking “better, Mama? Better?” How could I not be after that?! Now he’s snuggled in my lap, thoroughly enjoying Doctor Who (way more than I am, honestly) & unknowingly soothing my heart. He very rarely snuggles or sits stills for more than 5 seconds at a time, so this a real treat. I love that he knew today exactly what I needed. I needed to work uninterrupted, and then I needed cheering up. His perceptiveness is astounding.
NOTE:I wrote this several weeks ago but never posted it (I think I wanted to add more…). I’m posting it tonight though because we had a very similar day today and because I feel like all my posts have been about negative things. My Baby Bee is an AMAZING child, and a gem
most some of the time. Every day I look at him in awe, wondering what I did right in my messy life to have such an amazing gift. I don’t deserve this ray of sunshine, this ball of pure love and energy. He pushes me to my limit on an hourly basis, but also fills my heart with so much love that I really feel it could burst. I guess that’s motherhood though, eh? A never ending cluster of polar opposites that leave you exhausted, elated, defeated and re-energized at the end of every day. Wanting to run away screaming but then run right back again because you’d miss the tiny cherubic voice talking incessantly. Daydreaming about what you could do without a toddler attached to your leg, but then looking down into his deep brown eyes and not being able to imagine your life without this whirling dervish. Being a mom is hard. Being a mom to a toddler is even harder….but honestly? I wouldn’t trade it for anything. This child showed me my true potential. He showed me what love really is, and what it’s really not. He found the bear inside of me that had been hibernating for 20+ years. He brought me to the Northwest, a land I am still deep in love with, which in turn led me to a man I thought only existed in my romantic brain. Baby Bee rocked my world from the second I saw those two pink lines on a pee covered plastic stick. That rocking hurt sometimes, but it was exactly what I needed, and still need. This boy will unknowingly lead me to the life I am meant to live…if he doesn’t drive me off the cliff of insanity first.