It’s one in the afternoon, I haven’t showered or even put on pants yet, my child is running around in a diaper watching Disney movies on Netflix & I ate chocolate frozen yogurt & 2 cups of coffee for breakfast.Ya know…one of THOSE days.
I feel guilty that he’s been in front of the TV all morning, but I comfort myself knowing this is a very rare occasion & it’s for a good cause (I spent the morning sending resumes to potential new employers) & that it was me and not him who ate chocolate for breakfast. I won’t go to mommy-jail today. If you haven’t noticed yet, I’m having an off day. I woke up feeling emotionally-heavy…like the world’s pain had settled onto my shoulder’s during the night. It’s been awhile since I have felt like this, so I’ve forgotten how to deal with it. So I’m holed up, pantsless, in C’s apartment binging on Netflix & trying to breathe through the elephant standing on my chest. I’ve been partially productive today by sending in several resumes and making sure Baby Bee has eaten balanced meals (as balanced as his picky highness will allow anyway). It’s the small things that count, right?
My sweet boy is so sensitive to his mama’s moods. He spent 10 minutes this morning, covering me with slobbery kisses & his blanket asking “better, Mama? Better?” How could I not be after that?! Now he’s snuggled in my lap, thoroughly enjoying Doctor Who (way more than I am, honestly) & unknowingly soothing my heart. He very rarely snuggles or sits stills for more than 5 seconds at a time, so this a real treat. I love that he knew today exactly what I needed. I needed to work uninterrupted, and then I needed cheering up. His perceptiveness is astounding.
NOTE:I wrote this several weeks ago but never posted it (I think I wanted to add more…). I’m posting it tonight though because we had a very similar day today and because I feel like all my posts have been about negative things. My Baby Bee is an AMAZING child, and a gem
most some of the time. Every day I look at him in awe, wondering what I did right in my messy life to have such an amazing gift. I don’t deserve this ray of sunshine, this ball of pure love and energy. He pushes me to my limit on an hourly basis, but also fills my heart with so much love that I really feel it could burst. I guess that’s motherhood though, eh? A never ending cluster of polar opposites that leave you exhausted, elated, defeated and re-energized at the end of every day. Wanting to run away screaming but then run right back again because you’d miss the tiny cherubic voice talking incessantly. Daydreaming about what you could do without a toddler attached to your leg, but then looking down into his deep brown eyes and not being able to imagine your life without this whirling dervish. Being a mom is hard. Being a mom to a toddler is even harder….but honestly? I wouldn’t trade it for anything. This child showed me my true potential. He showed me what love really is, and what it’s really not. He found the bear inside of me that had been hibernating for 20+ years. He brought me to the Northwest, a land I am still deep in love with, which in turn led me to a man I thought only existed in my romantic brain. Baby Bee rocked my world from the second I saw those two pink lines on a pee covered plastic stick. That rocking hurt sometimes, but it was exactly what I needed, and still need. This boy will unknowingly lead me to the life I am meant to live…if he doesn’t drive me off the cliff of insanity first.