I am, by nature, a low key girl. Loud, crowded places scare me. I’m much too lazy to get all dressed up every weekend and go out. I prefer comfort over trendiness, nights in instead of nights out. I try to treat everyone with kindness and respect, even when they don’t do the same to me. I remember my Southern manners. I follow the rules (for the most part) because I’m too anxious of the consequences. I hate confrontation and shoulder my responsibilities like a big girl.
Sometimes I want to just run wild. I want to ignore my responsibilities, duties, and my obligations. I want to say what’s really on my mind, do what I really want. I want to trash my bras and shoes and just…be free.
I feel like I’ve spent so much time behaving. Being careful not to hurt anyone’s feelings with my wicked tongue and impulsive temper. Being careful to dress fashionably, modestly and appropriately for a mother and teacher. Striving to be the perfect mom, girlfriend, employee, daughter, housekeeper. Careful not to take up too much space or draw too much attention to myself. I have to watch what I do and say at work. I have to watch what I do and say at home (Baby Bee is sensitive like his mama). I have to watch the other drivers in rush hour so my car doesn’t get hit. I’m tired. I want to be free. Free of social constraints. Free of adult responsibilities. Free of traffic. Open spaces around me, grass under my feet. Not a soul in sight, except for the people I ask to join me. I want to yell when I want, wear what I want, laugh obnoxiously without apologizing. Cry without hiding the tears. Dance without fear of ridicule.
Grow and thrive in the sunshine until I can’t feel the corset of modern life around me anymore. Take an actual deep, cleansing breathe without choking on my anxiety. Feel sturdy on my own two feet instead of feeling like a dropped feather: weightless, falling, listless. I want to be brave and wild and fierce. Unafraid and confident.
I have to find a way to be free that will not result in me becoming single, homeless and bankrupt, or causing severe psychological damage to my child. Surely there has to be a way.