I’m kind of an ostrich. When things get tough, I bury my head in the sand (or a pillow…it’s easier to breathe in there) and pretend all is well instead of facing the problems head on. My brain knows what to do. My heart knows what to do. My soul just sometimes isn’t ready to woman-up and take care of business. So I grit my teeth, dig in my heels and work harder and harder at something that I KNOW isn’t working or benefiting me. Kind of like Sisyphus. It’s kind of a running joke in my family, “Bee, stop being an ostrich and put on your big girl panties.” “Are you ostriching again??”
It’s funny cause it’s true, but it’s not really funny. My inability to do hard things because I don’t want to hurt or disappoint anyone, or because I’m just too stubborn to admit defeat, only ends up harming me. Butting my head against a brick wall every day just because “I’M NOT A QUITTER” just gives me brain damage (which explains why I was with a narcissistic, abusive a-hole for 6 years….but that’s another subject). I’ve been ostriching it for awhile now in the subject of my job. But I’ve finally pulled my head out of my
ass sand and the lightbulb went off. *DING*
For the record, I love my job. No…I love what I DO. I LOVE my kiddos, and being a vital part of their lives. I like the majority of my team, even my managers. I do not; however, like the company much anymore. My values and beliefs don’t mesh well with the company’s, and it has become increasingly harder for me to justify that. I know the majority of job-holding human beings feel that that way about their employers, but I don’t think those type of feelings belong in the early education field. On top of that, I work like a dog only to be expected to work even harder to cover for the lazy asses who don’t have their heart in the field. Childcare is a an emotionally, physically and mentally draining field….you will never know the extent of it until you are part of it. But my bond with the kids, my sense of obligation to my boss, my steady income and big discount have kept me keeping on, suffocating on sand and rolling my boulder up the never ending mountain.
Until last week. I sat scrubbing a wall for 30 minutes wondering how in the hell I got here. I was going to be a scholar, an archaeologist, a traveler. I was going to be fluent in at least three languages and able to translate any Latin or Greek text. Instead I popped out a surprise baby, rushed my degree last minute, and grabbed the first job I could find post graduation. And I’ll be damned, I fell in love with ECE. So I stayed. And stayed. But now I don’t really want to stay. I did not spend $26,000 and five long, hard years of my life crying over textbooks to be scrubbing walls and wiping noses. I’m no longer feeling fulfilled. I don’t feel like what I’m doing really matters anymore. I don’t feel like I’m reaching my potential.
So I’m going back to school for my Master’s degree. *DING* Just like that, it was crystal clear. Schooling was the best option to get me to a better spot for my future. I will go back to my first loves-history and the Classics-and I will figure it out from there. I have a LOT of work to do. I need to study for and take the GRE. Find and apply for programs. Relearn my languages, hone my writing skills, apply for financial aid…I’m terrified and overwhelmed and wondering what in the hell I was thinking. But I also know in my bones this is right. I know something has to change. It’s time to figure out “what I want to be when I grow up” because I’m twenty-seven fucking years old with a four-year old looking to me for guidance. How can I tell him “you can be anything you want to be” when I’m denying myself that luxury? How can I tell him life is beautiful and good and worth living when he sees me so exhausted and bitter from my job that I don’t enjoy anything anymore? So I’m gonna grit my teeth and dig my heels in again, but this time on a new adventure. I’m gonna bust my ass and cry over some more textbooks, and know that it’s all good. It’s all necessary and it’s all where I need to be. I may not understand this pull, but I understand I need to listen and allow myself to be pulled.
“Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” -Albus Dumbledore