Life lately has been…fine. We’ve fallen into a comfortable routine with school and my new work schedule and it was actually pretty painless. Little Bee has been doing exceptionally fantastic in kindergarten and has earned “golden tickets” almost every day for being either responsible, respectful, safe, or all three. He’s immensely proud of himself, as are C and I. He started writing letters and really enjoying trying to write and read. It’s been such a joy to see how much he’s matured in the past 3 weeks or so. After the first week he didn’t want me to walk him into school, but merely drop him off at the curb in the parent drop-off line. My heart breaks every time I watch his tiny self, carrying a big backpack, walk himself into the gaping doors of the school. I’m proud and awed at his autonomy and independence, but want to yank him back to my side and say “nope, never mind. I’m not ready to let you go like I thought I was.” Obviously, I don’t, as that is the main goal of parenting: to get them secure enough in their life where they can branch out and grow wings. I hate it, and think it’s the cruelest “joke” in the universe to intentionally break your own heart, but whatever. I didn’t make the rules.
The problem with routine, for me, though is that it utterly bores me. Little Bee thrives off of it, so for the past 5 years I have made sure we have a very set schedule and try to change it as little as possible. Of course we have fun, spur of the moments trips, or long night outs, but for the most part we go to school/work, come home & make dinner, do chores, bath/bedtime routine, and then sleep. After he’s in bed I have a little bit of free time, but I usually end up a vegetable in front of the TV before passing out on the couch or C’s shoulder. My heart and soul crave spontaneity and creativity and freedom to do what I want, but my mind and body are too exhausted to do much of anything. Thus ensues a big conundrum inside of me. Bored to death with the predictability of life, yet craving the stability and comfort of knowing what exactly comes next. I’ve been struggling with it for the past couple of weeks: bored of sitting on the couch, but too fatigued to do anything much more. (Gemini much??) Since the autumn equinox, it’s still dark when I wake up so I haven’t been getting up as early to do yoga. Which means I haven’t been doing yoga in the morning, but waiting until after work. Which means my yoga practice has suffered immensely. I went about a week without doing ANY yoga at all, and the further I got from my mat, the worse I realized my mood and body became. I felt detached, distant. I barely slept, and all my muscles started feeling knotted and tight again. I was just pushing through the gray fog, not really seeing anything but certain I was going in the right direction. So finally I decided enough was enough. I got online and searched yoga studios nearby that I could A)afford and B)had classes at night or on weekends. I found one and scheduled my free introductory class for the next week. Then I unfurled my mat, turned off the TV, and let the asanas flow. It wasn’t anything strenuous or even exciting, but it was exactly what my body and mind needed. As I sat twisted up in Gomukhasana (cow face pose), I realized how at ease I finally felt. I was fully present and aware of everything around me. I let go of yoga when I needed it the most. I was too tired for the one thing that could have woken me up.
So I decided to fully commit to an idea I had been toying with: yoga teacher training. It’s an intensive 200hr course that consists of text learning and postures, and I’m ready. Financially, I will have to wait until tax returns, but that gives me time to work on my practice a little more, and research which programs I want. But I’m pretty sure that I was meant to go down this road. I feel it will open a lot of doors to help the people that I’m so desperate to reach. And it will help heal all the wounds that I’ve been pretending don’t exist. I may finally find a job that fulfills me and helps pay the bills. I’m still seriously considering getting my master’s as well, and think I may have found a program that fits what I want and my schedule. That won’t start until next fall, which will give me time to get the YTT at least started, if not completed.
I’m ready for these big changes. I’m a bit frustrated that I will have to wait until I can implement my plan, but it’s probably for the better. I’m not a patient person, and this is probably just an (to quote my favorite author, Glennon Doyle Melton) “AFGO: another fucking growth opportunity.” I want to feel like I’ve finally got this life under control; that I’m working towards a goal, not just waiting for something to happen. I’m tired of waiting. I’ve spent the better part of 28 years just waiting. No more. I’m grabbing life by the horns and namaste’ing the shit of it!
Once I get some money in my bank account of course…